Sh*t I can't understand

Sparky Anderson used to say that you can’t tell much about a baseball team until 40 or 50 games into the season. I think that is pretty true about a lot of things in life. One of them is living a foreign country with an entirely different culture, language and way of life. Well, it has been roughly 50 days since I moved from Detroit, Mi to Shanghai, China. Now I am not going to say that I have this city figured out, but I can tell a little about what the next two years will have in store for us. Mainly, it is going to be exciting, we are going to meet a bunch of great people with great stories, and we are will have lots of stories to tell. There are, however, a few things that I am certain I will never figure out about China no matter how long I live here. A few of those are listed below:

Health codes must not exist. Contrary to common belief, I don’t think there are too many rules in China. For example, there cannot be a health code. You can buy vegetables, fruit, eggs, live ducks, live chickens, live bull frogs, live eels, and numerous things that I cannot even begin to guess what they are right off of the street (literately) in Shanghai. All of these things are also designed for consumption. I consider myself a pretty adventurous eater with a very tolerant palate. However, I have no intention of eating things that would be confused as pets in the US off of the streets of Shanghai.

Building codes must not exist. When we were shopping for a place to live, we saw 24 different apartments in 2 days. We probably visited 10 different facilities. We would ask the standard questions about size, amenities, the closest public transportation, etc. One answer that I could never get my head around was “How old is this place?” Typically the answer was somewhere between 1 and 10 years. One year was “too new” because it had “too many problems”. Somehow places that were built 10 years ago are “very old” and “should be rebuilt soon”. Now I am not architect, but when you are building 30-40 story apartment building you would hope that it is not obsolete in 10 years. My house in the US was built in the 1930s and I am quite sure that it will last many more years without much trouble.

The Chinese also build strange things in strange places. A previous post we had a picture of an escalator that ended in the ceiling. Why that would ever result in the outcome of a building project I will never know. There are also a number of strange things built in strange places throughout the city streets. I cannot figure out the point of this fire hydrant other than to trip unsuspecting tourists as they walk through Yu Yuan Garden.

Personal space does not exist in China. I will never get used to people bumping into me. I will never get used to sharing the elevator with 20 other people. I will never get used to being pushed into the subway as if it is the last train on earth. I will definitely never ride the bus. I want to know why it is that I am the only person in Shanghai that is bothered by the lack of personal space.

These things end up meaning one thing: this will be an exciting two years. Head shaking and head scratching occur on a regular basis. We are fortunate enough to have a LifeTime style gym on premises. Last night I saw eight people taking a spinning class. Two of them were wearing blue jeans. One person was riding barefoot. A fourth person was riding with a pair of loafers. And one person had headphones on and was not listening to the instructor or even trying to keep up with the instructor (who was dressed in head to toe with an Euskaltel-Euskadi team uniform). As I finished my last set of push-ups I said to a western stranger lifting next to me “only in China”. No response was required; just a smile and a nod.

Benihana you are not . . .

In our first week in Shanghai we went out to dinner with some people to an all you can eat Japanese Teppanyaki restaurant called Tairyo. I did a little research before we went and learned that you can stuff your face with as much as you can eat AND drink all the sake, beer and wine you want for under $30p/p. Knowing we were meeting new people that had been living in Shanghai for awhile, we were pretty excited for the prospects for the night. Unfortunately, the only positives that came out of that night were meeting some new friends and finding out that Shanghai has its own expat Softball league. The food was subpar at best and I am pretty sure most of it may get recycled throughout the night, especially the uneaten sushi. I guess I can only be happy I did not end up with food poisoning or fall into the squatty potty at the restaurant. Since it was a Wednesday night and we were still adjusting to the time change, I didn’t even get to drink enough to cover my costs.

Last weekend, when we were invited out for a birthday celebration for a guy on Jeff’s softball team, I was not very excited when I discovered we would be stepping foot into another one of these joints. I figured I would eat beforehand and just get my money’s worth from the alcohol. With little expectations and terrible reviews online we walked into dinner just hoping to have a good time. I have to say, this time I was pleasantly surprised. While the food was just about average (which made it about 100% better than the last place) the entertainment value will probably keep us coming back for more. This place kept our glasses full of beer all night and the staff was very entertained by our sake bomb duels. They kept filling up our sake bottles as we ‘cheers’ to something new about every five minutes. Given my lack of a killer hangover the next morning, I am pretty sure they must dilute the contents – did I mention the sake comes out of a box! We had a great time regardless and this probably makes this place a ‘must do’ for any of our Benihana loving friends that decide to make the journey. Final Score:

Katie: Two plates of sashimi, sushi, beef appetizer, steak, bacon-wrapped mushrooms, fried rice, a lamb chop, eight beers, two sake bombs and four shots of sake.

Huang Zhou Teppanyaki: $30

Verdict, Katie in a landslide

Why are there blue, short and squatty gumbys all over Shanghai?

I think it is time for all of you to meet ‘Smumby.’ He is the official mascot of the 2010 Shanghai World Expo and the love child of Smurfette and Gumby. You can find him about every 10 feet no matter where you go in Shanghai. You can even find a 5ft version of him in our own apartment complex. His real Chinese name is Haibo which is supposed to be created from the Chinese character meaning “people.” His sweet wavy hair (ala Jeff 1998) is supposed to represent the waves of the ocean. A lot of great info for why it is designed this way and what each piece of him means can be found on the goshanghaiexpo website.

However, we heard a story that this little guy was created by a guy who was inspired by Jason Seaver of ‘Growing Pains’. I decided to do a little research and discovered that his ‘Gumby’ likeness actually stirred quite a controversy and threats of plagiarism. Either way we think Smumby is sweet and for the bargain price of $7, we now have our own little guy to take home to Doozer.

Shanghai Tai Tai

This past weekend we had our first visitors (!) and they were thrust into my world of being a ‘Shanghai Tai Tai.’ There are a few requirements to have this honor bestowed upon you. First, you must have an extreme amount of leisure time (i.e., no kids). Second, you must have the money to spend and spend you will. Third, should you have any complaints about how hard your day was haggling over wanted items or the driver taking you to the wrong place, your husband will surely respond “Oh . . . you live such a hard life!” (I hear this almost every day, if not from Jeff, then from someone else’s husband speaking to their wives) There are many other requirements but those are the most important. (Mom, please note the sarcasm)

Bill and Olga get here with their shopping lists ready to go and we take off to the markets. Olga is on the hunt for some very specific bags so we march into the recommended store and tell her what we want. Now just because you don’t see it does not mean it does not exist. Soon a fake door is being unlocked and you are escorted into another room. Still no luck? You can bet there is another secret room behind that one or they will run off to have someone grab your item from another store. Keep in mind the doors are always shut behind you and you are basically locked in this small room with one of the employees. You would think this might give them the upper hand but soon the negotiating starts if you have found your prized item. Now since we are Westerners, it can be assumed we might be tourists and are going be taken for all our cash for our wanted items. We decided to employ another strategy that seemed to work consistently at every store. I inform them that I am a Shanghai tai tai referred by another tai tai and I currently live here. This basically starts the negotiating with “I am not a tourist and I have been referred by a friend so you better not start at a ridiculous price because I know what I should pay.” Calling yourself (or at least me) a Shanghai tai tai always gets a laugh from the employees because they think I am a poor college student that cannot be more than 20. Next they whip out their calculator. You might think this is because they don’t speak English well, but the real reason is they don’t want other shoppers to know what price you have settled on. So they will start off showing you a number that is AT LEAST 10 times the cost. Next it is time to laugh and say “tai gui le!” . . . too expensive. Now they assume you know some Chinese and the calculator is now in your possession. It is your turn to low ball them and then the process goes back and forth. It is important to decide what you want to spend so you don’t end up overpaying for something you can get somewhere else for cheaper. One way to know you are winning the negotiation is that they start asking for ‘just a little more money’ but either way they will probably come down to your price. The other is to just walk away at which point they will start shouting lower and lower prices until they come to agree on your desired price. If they do not yell after you, you have either pissed them off or are way below the cost of the item. Either way we are pretty sure they do not make much on a lot of sales but bank on a few naive tourists coming their way. This process can get a bit annoying on both ends but it can also be a lot of fun. Some of loot . . . here is the rundown:

‘designer’ leather bags - $20-$40
Bill’s 5 pairs of ‘designer’ jeans - $55
3 hybrid with a legit head - $25
Golf range bag - $13 ‘UGG’ slippers - $7

We leave happy with our purchases and our wallets empty, ready to start the process over at another market the next day. (The above picture is my 'escalator fail' picture but now I am convinced that it probably does lead to some secret room full of good stuff)

The Chinese Hustle

The Chinese are the only people in the world that I am aware of that can be in a hurry and move slowly at the same time. I have coined this “The Chinese Hustle”. There are multiple instances in which the Chinese display this very unique quality. On the way home from Sanya, the self-proclaimed Hawaii of China, we were sitting about halfway back in the coach cabin. The plane was just about completely sold out since we were traveling during a Chinese holiday. Counting the two of us, there were probably four non-Chinese people on the plane. Since we had checked our golf clubs we weren’t in the biggest hurry in the world to get off the flight. As the flight was preparing to land I noticed quite a bit more commotion than on a typical US airline. Some people were getting baggage down and putting it under the seat in front of them. Others were shouting to travel companions in other rows. A few were even preparing for what appeared some sort of race. Little did I realize that my wife and I were the only ones NOT PREPARED to exit a discount Chinese airline. Mere seconds after the flight touched down, almost every non-westerner on the flight was unbuckled, had retrieved their luggage and was waiting in the isle way. The stewardess had not even welcomed us to Shanghai and informed us that we could use our cell phones and there was already people pushing their way to the front of the plane. Since they do the Chinese portion of the PA announcement before the English I thought all the Chinese people may have been informed of some imminent catastrophe – recall that we are flying a discount Chinese airline. To my relief there was no imminent danger. Everyone was just really eager to get off the plane.

The Chinese people’s necessity to get off the plane did not seem so odd until my wife and I actually got off the plane. Once off the airplane, the same people that pushed their way to the front of the plane started doing everything in their power to make the rest of their journey take as long as possible. The first group of people were waiting by the gate for a luggage cart (even though their suitcase had wheels). Granted we were somehow relegated to the very last gate in the furthest terminal from the main entrance even though we were obviously the only flight landing at 12:30 AM, but their luggage had wheels. The only benefit that they were receiving is that they could now push their luggage instead of pull it. This seemed strange to me, but since they weren’t in my way, I chalked it up as a head-scratcher and let go. My tolerance for the inept ended with this group. Since the Pudong airport terminal is quite long, the airport was nice enough to put in moving walkways along our path. Only problem was, the walkways were been treated like the Millennium Force at Cedar Point. There was genuine excitement about approaching the walkway. People seemed a bit nervous about “riding” the walkway. This caused a bit of back up at the entrance as people were amazed that they could move without walking. And move without walking was just what they did. Stacked two by two with their luggage carts serving as an extra blocker, this group of people made it impossible for anyone to actually walk on the left side of the walkway. After the first one, my wife and I gave up on the walkways. We managed to pass about 150 of the 160 people that passed us while pushing their way to the front of the plane as it deplaned by just walking at a normal pace beside the walkways.

The final 10 people were passed while picking up our luggage. For those of you unfamiliar with air travel, everyone’s luggage comes out on the same carousel. It doesn’t matter if you are in first class, business class, the pilot or the person stuck next to the guy who should have bought two tickets, but didn’t. Your luggage comes out when it comes out. I know this because I have traveled in all of those situations and can tell you that just because you get a “priority tag” on your bags does not mean your luggage is coming out first. Apparently the concept of a carousel that moves around in a circle with two doors is lost on these people. Instead of finding a comfortable place against the rail in which they could easily grab their luggage as it comes by, they were standing four to five people deep as close to the gate the dispenses the luggage as possible. The ones that weren’t crammed there were chasing their luggage to the other gate with a look of fear in their eyes that if the bag made it to the gate before them, then it would be lost forever. Lucky for me my bags came out pretty fast and I was on my way. Probably 20 minutes before the 150 people still riding the walkways and 10 minutes ahead of the people chasing their luggage around the carousel. (Editor’s note: this activity is common worldwide among all non seasoned travelers)

“The Chinese Hustle” is not just limited to people returning from holiday. I get to see a version of this every day at work. This happens any time I am required to switch floors at the office. I have no idea where the stairs are or if I can use them because they are not labeled. I am pretty sure this is a fire hazard, but no one seems worried. I have asked my colleagues who have worked in the building for many years where the stairs are. One response was, “you know what, I have no idea”. The other said that they didn’t think our badges allow us in from the stairwell. Point being is that everyone takes the elevators. These elevators are nice enough to give us a warning as to which one will be coming to pick us up. However, the only people that this benefits are the people that have no concept of waiting in line. Normal people would determine who was waiting first and then let those people on the elevator. Normal people would not all stare at the lights above the elevator to make sure they can be first to board elevator. Chinese people are not normal. A good portion of these people need to be first onto an elevator, immediately push the door close button, and refuse to move to the back to let others in. Instead, others that want to get on afterward much push the doors open and squeeze to the back. The last set of people decide that the “18 persons max” sign inside is merely a suggestion. More typically they are able to fit over 25 people in these rather small spaces.

I guess I have gotten used to the elevator ride process. I am used to being in contact with between three and six people during each ride. I do still check for my wallet and cell phone after getting out, although I am pretty sure that no one in China is going to pick pocket me in the elevator of the office. What I will never get used to is the urgency that people need to get into elevators and then the lack of urgency that they have immediately following the departure of the elevator. This is particularly evident at lunch time. During lunch it can take two to three elevators for one to come with enough room in it for our group to enter. Once we arrive at the bottom it is almost as difficult to get out. People are loitering in the small elevator lobby. Granted that some are probably waiting for their friends, but even once they arrive they tend to move at a snail’s pace. The places we go for lunch are not far. No more than three or four blocks. But if you talk to anyone from another group, they will tell you that it is a “15 minutes walk”. Now I am not going to be in any Olympics to represent the US in speed walking, but it certainly doesn’t take me 15 minutes to walk no more than a couple hundred yards. However, I have learned from experience that these people are correct. It does take 15 minutes for them to get there. It is because they move at pace that can be best described as a leisurely crawl. For all the time they saved by cramming 25 people into the elevators and repeatedly pushing the door close button, they have given back within the first 10 steps they take outside the building. Just another example of “The Chinese Hustle.”

Zhu part 2

Guest written by Jeff, edited by me (probably poorly!)

My Dad has no idea what his drivers name is. For the first two weeks in Shanghai, neither did I. My Dad told me that his driver's name was "Show Joe". He said that the Show part was an indication that the driver was younger than him. Since he is older than me, my Dad said that we probably should just call him "Joe". Thus, being the little ducklings that we are, my wife and I called the driver "Joe" for the first two weeks we were in Shanghai. One day on the way to work, the driver said "Jei Fu?" – which is my Chinese name that only he uses. It is usually followed by a question that he wants to ask me. So I 'politely' respond, "Yes, Joe?" Joe counters with, "My name is not Joe". There was no sense of anger or disappointment or frustration. It was just a matter of fact. His name is not Joe. And in fact his name is definitely not Show Joe. He went on to tell me his name is Zhu. This is pronounced "Joo" or "Jew" with a slightly different "J" sound. Thus, for roughly two weeks I had been butchering this guy's name and had no idea. I also learned that what my Dad was trying to call his driver was Xiao Zhu, or Shao Joo. This basically means "Mister Zhu" for someone that is younger than you.

Mister Zhu is crazy. The best way to describe his driving style is maniacal. The lines painted on the roads, the colored lights that are hung at intersections, and the signs lining the side of the roads do not apply to him. A while back Shanghai implemented "no honking" rules. Apparently the honking was so out of control that it was becoming a nuisance. As a result, the Chinese drivers have learned a new tool: the high beams. There are different uses for the high beams. A quick click or two to a motor bike or pedestrian is an indication that "I am not stopping, so you better". Multiple clicks to another car in front of you typically means, "you are driving too slow, get out of the way." The solid high beam for an extended period of time is easily translated to a prolonged extension of the middle finger. Mister Zhu is an expert at all of theses and blends them in nicely with a horn that must be exempt from the "no honking" rules. He has also mastered the art of driving with hands firmly positioned at the horn and highbeams so there should be no delay in their use. These actions typically result in numerous snickers and giggles from my wife and I when we are darting through traffic. No alley is too small. No biker is ever safe. Any usually people tend to get out of his way. His best "trick" is the left hand turn from the middle lane. I have named in the "sweep, stop and block". You need three things to pull this off successfully. First, zero patience. Second, zero regard for your vehicle. Finally, a huge set of jewels. The move goes like this:

1. Approach an intersection that you intend to turn left from as far right as you can get.
2. At the last possible minute (usually aided by another car trying the same trick), do a lane sweep and stop in the intersection. It is very important that you block the first car in line to actually turn left. Otherwise you may have to fight to get onto the one lane road that you plan to turn onto.
3. Once a small break in traffic clears, tap your horn and flick your lights to announce your successful left turn from the right lane.
   

The result is usually about 30 seconds saved, no less than 20 ticked off people, and a big smile on Mister Zhu's face.

Mister Zhu performs tricks like these all of the time. Usually they result in nothing more than a glare from the other motorists. However, on the way home from work the other day Mister Zhu found himself in a bit of a pickle. Traveling down a two lane road along the Pudong side of the Huangpo river, Mister Zhu was facing a Wuling that couldn't quite go as fast a Mister Zhu would have liked. Thus, Mister Zhu started with the quick flick of the lights. He followed this up with the horn and multiple flick combination. This still did not move the driver from the center of the road. After trying twice unsuccessfully to use the bike lane to pass, Mister Zhu resorted to the extended high beams AND long horn blast. This was the first time that this action was required to get our S-Max through traffic. This resulted in the man in the Wuling from stopping about 100 meters short of the next intersection very fast. Since we weren't exactly leaving this gentleman a ton of room, we slammed on the brakes to avoid rear ending him. Luckily we stopped just in time. While I was putting myself back into the seat that I started at before the sudden stop I noticed that a gentleman was now outside of his vehicle yelling and pointing at Mister Zhu. Mister Zhu had just enough courage to roll down the window far enough that he could shout back, but not quite far enough to let in any objects – such as fists. I have no clue what was said during the exchange, but it did result in the man getting back into his car begrudgingly. Once inside he decided to drive even slower and essentially swerve to ensure that no one could pass him on either side. Mister Zhu tried oncoming traffic twice and the bike lane twice to no avail. Thus, he resorted to falling back a couple of car lengths and informing me that "That guy is crazy".

Editors note: Although Zhu drives a little crazy, I stand by my original assessment that you do not feel unsafe with him as he usually does not drive very fast. On our recent trip to Sanya, I was quite relieved when we and anything in our way was not harmed on our return trip to the airport. The go cart like taxi we were in narrowly escaped cutting off bikes, cars and buses. I had to close my eyes a few times as I thought we were definitely going to run over an innocent bystander. The only time I would be happy with this driver is if we were on ‘The Amazing Race.’